It has been more than a week from the day we were supposed to hear our baby’s heartbeat. Unfortunately, that was not to be. Instead of hearing the number of beats and guessing whether our baby would be a boy or a girl, we were told that our baby passed away. This is the most devastating loss I’ve ever experienced in my entire life. In this series of blog posts, I’ll be sharing some of the stories which I hoped to share with our child one day. Thank you for walking this journey of healing with me…
My First Pregnancy Appointment…
After I learned I was pregnant, I had to vist Dr. C, my NaProTechnology doctor. It was a Wednesday, which meant his office closed at noon. Although he agreed to see me regardless of the time I arrived, I wanted to get there as soon as possible. Oh, and I was on cloud 9– because after two and a half years of trying to conceive, surgery, months of vitamins, and charting every little detail day by day, I had become a mommy!
I packed my charts, pre-natal vitamins, fed the fur babies, and made it out the door as quickly as I could. Needless to say, there were a few details that escaped me on the way up. I thought I was being careful. I used the Google Maps App to get to Dr. C’s office. No matter how many times I go there, I can’t seem to remember which exit to take, so having Siri give me directions makes life easier.
Anyway, there I was 60 minutes into the 90 minute ride to Dr. C, driving from the primary highway on to the secondary highway, when bam! I got pulled over. I was exceeding the speed limit and so was everyone else on the road. I’m not so familiar with the area, so as far as I was concerned I was just keeping up with the flow of traffic. The cop however did not see it that way.
I waited until he came to my passenger window and asked me if I knew how fast I was going. Then I lost it, seriously lost it. If you’ve ever had a five year old try to tell you something he or she is excited about, that’s pretty much what happened. Instead of telling the officer how fast I thought I was going, I shrieked, “I’m sorry officer, I just found out I’m pregnant this morning I have to go to the doctor to get a progesterone shot so I don’t lose my baby! See, here’s my chart, there’s my prenatal vitamins, I didn’t realize I was speeding!” The poor cop had no clue what to do. Apparently the response I gave is not one he gets very often. He was silent for a moment, then asked who my doctor was and where he’s located. Apparently he was satisfied with my answers, because he didn’t ask any more probing questions. He did ask if it was an emergency. I couldn’t lie, so I responded: “It’s not something that has to happen this minute, but I need the progesterone shot because I’m high risk for miscarriage, I don’t want to lose my baby!” I was totally ready to show him the pic of my positive pregnancy test complete with time stamp, but it didn’t come to that.
Thankfully, the cop let me go with a warning, and I got to Dr. C’s where I got the low down what was going on inside my body and the do’s and don’ts of pregnancy. I learned that my immune system would fight the baby, as it recognized it as a foreign protein, but that the baby would be producing calming countdowns to counteract my immune system. In addition to the typical no alcohol, no second hand smoke, and no caffeine, I was also told that I could not consume cold cuts or soft cheeses because of listeria, a bacteria which could be harmful to both my body and the baby. I was told that fish was a must, but due to contaminants, fresh water fish were prohibited, as were shark, mackerel, and swordfish, tuna was limited to only one can per week.
We talked a lot about the possibility of miscarriage, not because Dr. C thought it would happen but because being aware of possible causes would help to prevent it. I was told that both caffeine and alcohol would not only harm the baby, but also increase the risk of miscarriage, as would not getting enough sleep. It was also important that I continue my regular exercise routine of walking 3x per week for an hour at a 3.5 mile per hour pace. I could totally do all these things, because it was worth it, I would do anything on the planet if it meant I could be a mommy!
Bring on the restrictions and the decaffeinated coffee! I was pregnant, my leave of absence had done its job, and I was going to be a mommy! I was on cloud nine! I knew it would be a while before we could officially announce that we were expecting to the world, but there were a few people who we just had to tell right away.
That night, I called Jordan and told her the good news. It was because of her and the courage she had more than a year ago that pregnancy was even possible for us. We both cried tears of joy as we talked about the coming nine months and how our children would forever be the best of friends. We dreamed such amazing dreams as we talked, and I told her how excited I was about being a mom. “Catherine” she said, “You’re already a mom!” That thought filled me with such love, joy, and hope! I was already a mom, loving my baby with every breath I took, nourishing it with every bite I took, and protecting it with every possible danger I avoided. I was doing everything possible to take care of our baby; I was truly blessed!