Archive | August 2014

Angels’ Playground

When I first learned we had lost our baby, my heart was broken.  Like any mother, I was so worried about where our baby would go, and what would happen until we get there.  I’ve often dreamed of the moment when I will meet that child and so many of my questions will be answered.  For now, this is the place where I believe our children wait for us, playing together, under the care of loved ones who have gone before us, until we are able to hold our dear little ones one day. 

angels playing 1

Angels’ Playground

 

Somewhere beyond the Pearly Gates in Heaven, past the choirs, and the altars, lies Angels’ playground: the place where Angel babies await their mommies and daddies. The benches are filled with Grandmas, Grandpas, Great Grandparents, Aunties, and Uncles who are charged with the task of caring for these little angels until their mommies and daddies arrive.

angel playing 4

There is laughter like the Earth has never heard as these beautiful angels swing, run, and play. They hang upside down from monkey bars and chase each other, all as they pass the time waiting for that magical moment when they can meet the people whose love created them.

angels playing 5

When you enter, you hear one unique sound among the others: it is a laugh your heart immediately recognizes. Among the hordes of little angels, one stops playing, turns to you and smiles. You recognize that face! It has Mommy’s eyes, Daddy’s nose and the smile you always dreamed you would see.

angel boy

You smile as your Angel runs towards you as fast as those tiny legs will carry them. You feel your baby’s arms around your neck and embrace your child for the first time ever. The love you have carried in your heart for years finally connects with the little person whom you have so dearly missed. Your heart melts as you hear those long awaited words for the first time, “Mommy, Daddy, I love you!” “I love you, Angel!” you say as you embrace your little one. The moment you have waited for has finally arrived. You have reconnected you’re your Angel who left for heaven so long ago.

mommy angel embrace

Counting My Blessings…

As we are once again about to embark on our TTC journey, I decided to write a blog post about all the blessings in my life that I am truly grateful for. Saying there are too many to count would dismiss the beautiful blessings that are in my life every day. So here’s a brief list of the blessings for which I give thanks every day!

cross

 

  1. Faith

This list would be incomplete without giving faith its rightful place here. I’m not talking denomination, how often worship happens, or where it happens; I’m referring specifically to faith in God. Notice I didn’t say my faith? My faith has been far from rock solid through all this. I have questioned God’s plan for me more times than I can remember. I have begged him to reveal his plan for me. I often find his answers to me coming from my mouth in conversation with other NaPro sisters and friends.

God would not have gotten us this far, only to leave us here,” was my response to Jordan my dear friend and NaPro sister just as she was finishing her year of TTC and wondering if she might never have a child. She conceived her beautiful daughter in her next cycle. What could strengthen my faith better than my own NaPro mentor conceiving her miracle baby? Later, during my pregnancy, when another NaPro sister and I were speaking about her miscarriages and whether she should continue to try to conceive another child, I said, “What if your losses were God’s way of telling you that you can one day hold a child in your arms? What if that was God’s way of encouraging you to keep going, when you were about to give up trying?” Faith in God, in his plan, and in his mercy have given me peace and a way to understand this journey.

 

crafting woman

 

  1. Creativity

Whether it is in the kitchen, in paper crafts, or in my ability to plan engaging lessons for my students, creativity blesses and enriches my life every day. The ability to create delicious foods from grain free ingredients has made it possible to remove so many allergens from my diet without sacrificing taste or enjoyment. Sharing this creativity with others has blessed me with delicious meals, good company, and laughter that is often absent when one lives with the ghosts of infertility and miscarriage. I am blessed to share this gift with others.

 

Woman packing up boxes

  1. The circumstances which have caused me to leave the various school districts I’ve worked for.

As I am about to leave my school district, I can’t help but be thankful for the circumstances which have led me to this decision. As a matter of fact, each time I have left a district, I have grown in ways I never could have imagined. When I left my first district to go to the second, I was happy: the money was better, it was a more secure job, and then in my second year there, I pursued a masters’ degree in a discipline which I never would have considered had I stayed in that first district. When the second district eliminated my program, it was the pursuit of that degree that made me the most qualified candidate for the position which my third district was advertising. After being let go from the second district, I made the decision to continue my studies beyond the typical 30 credit hours required for a masters’ degree. The additional certification I earned, coupled with all the grueling work I did in the third district are the reason that I am able to move on this fourth and hopefully final school district. Like infertility, these circumstances are not blessings which I would have chosen, but there’s no denying the way each and every one of these unexpected circumstances have blessed my life

 

  1. Infertility

Yes, you read that right. I consider infertility a blessing in my life. It’s not as though it’s a diagnosis or phase of life that I would ask for; but I understand its purpose in my life. Had we been able to conceive with all the challenges we had three years ago, I would not have been healthy enough to be the mommy that I want to be. I would have been constantly ill with stomach aches that I thought were “nerves” or “acid reflux;” my endometriosis would have continued to grow and may have resulted in a hysterectomy at some point. I never would have known about my food allergies or allergies to petroleum based products. This would have meant that I could pretty much count on some type of cancer later on in life; either from an immune system that was weakened by constantly fighting endometriosis, from a gut that had been terrorized by allergens for decades, or by an endocrine system that was worn down and malfunctioned due to the increased amount of insulin and other hormones it needed to produce to try and digest all the undiagnosed food allergens as well as it possibly could. I am a better person because of my infertility.

 

4 dogs

 

  1. My furbabies.

For just a few cups of kibble a day, I am blessed with the unconditional love and companionship of four amazing furbabies. All of them have their own personalities and different needs. There is never a dull moment in my life because of them. Their antics, unpredictable surprises, and ever wagging tales bless my life with purpose, the ability to be a mommy, and an endless supply of snuggles and kisses.

Friendly Medical professionals

  1. My doctors.

It cannot be easy to pursue NaProTechnology, NaProSurgery, or Naturopathy. Traditional medicine which prescribes the pill, IVF, and the FDA’s latest diet as gospel, has a prevalent hold on our medical system. It is because of their efforts that we were able to conceive our child. It must take such a courageous person to stand up and make a career out of such fields which are familiar to so few. These amazing people pursue their passions casting aside their time, wealth, and even their families.   It is because of their knowledge that I have transformed from an infertile riddled with undiagnosed endometriosis, an innumerable list of undiagnosed food allergies to a physically fit fertile woman who continues to improve her health with every bite she takes.

8 week ultrasound expect image

  1. Our baby

Despite our loss, the grief that we feel is an expression of the love which we will forever carry. Though our baby only lived in my womb for nine weeks, his or her brief life forever changed the world by making us parents. We take comfort in knowing that the loss of our child was in no way due to our actions but rather the result of a genetic anomaly called a blighted embryo. From the moment we knew we were pregnant, I have given thanks every day for the beautiful gift of our child.

 

women hanging out

 

  1. My supportive friends, family, blog followers, sisters in NaProTechnoloy, and all those who have supported me during this loss.

At first it may seem strange to lump of all of these different individuals together, but for so many it’s impossible to distinguish who is more family than friend, or who might be a friend who is family. The lack of lines in between these groups is a true testament to the unconditional acceptance you’ve given me. This network of supportive individuals includes so many people with whom I used to have nothing in common; and yet God brought us together as friends through graduate school, the gym, work, church, other friends, or here on line. The unconditional support, friendship, and persistent silent companionship of these individuals has made me feel as though I am never without a friend on this journey.

husband

  1. My amazing husband.

My husband, Frank, has been my rock, my soulmate, and the yang to my yin. He completes me. His support and patience are ever present. When I need cheering on, he is there; when my own strength cannot hold me up, he gives me his; when there’s a new grain free recipe to try, he will at least always take a bite! He makes me laugh, holds me when I cry, and never lets me take things too seriously. He’s the best, and I am a better person because of his love.