Adivce for Those in Miscarriage Land

When we learned our baby had passed away it was as though we were instantly transported to miscarriage land, the place where our worst nightmare became reality.  We were distraught.  In between the agonizing pain there were moments of numbness which were a Godsend.  Not feeling anything at all was preferable to feeling as though we had been rubbed with sandpaper inside and out.

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There we were in miscarriage land with no knowledge of what to expect.  Our NaProTechnology doctor shared an overview of what might happen, explaining that it would be like a “double period.”  He did his best to share a brief overview of what might happen.  He expected that I’d bleed for a week or two and within 6 weeks my HCG (pregnancy hormone) levels would reach zero.  We’d have to wait three cycles before trying again. And then we’d resume our prior course of treatment.

He referred me to a local gynecologist who explained the three possible options to me.  I could either let things happen naturally, take a drug that would induce the expulsion of the contents of my uterus or have a D&C.  I chose the natural path.

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The next phase of my journey included many things that my doctors didn’t tell me.  Maybe they didn’t know, maybe they thought it was best I discover them on my own, maybe they thought it wasn’t their place to share them.  Thanks to some amazing friends who helped me along the way, and my therapist, I’ve managed to make it through this without losing my mind.  I’ve put together the most helpful information I can.  Some are things I was told, others are things I picked up along the way.  If you have questions, please leave them in the comments below and I’ll answer them as best I can.  Or find answers if I can’t answer your questions on my own.  You are in my prayers!

If you find yourself in miscarriage land, disoriented and not knowing where to go, here’s some information you might find useful…

*There is no flight plan for miscarriage. No natural pattern. (I was shocked to learn this)  As long as your HCG levels continue to drop week by week, you are okay.  Unless, like me, you are three months into a natural miscarriage, and need a D&C.
*You have to decide what is right for you. You may chose to have a D&C because getting this phase over is of the highest importance to you. You may want to take medication which forces your uterus to contract and expel its lining; you also have the option wait for the process to occur naturally. It takes a long time, and it is often frustrating, but it will preserve your fertility without side effects.

*This will put strain on your heart, mind, and spirit in ways that are indescribable, find some way to express yourself as you go through the process. This may mean hiring a therapist, picking up an interest or passion that has gone by the wayside, or delving deeper into something you already enjoy. Keeping your feelings locked inside you is the worst thing you can do, it will cause you to hurt even more than you are hurting now.

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*This will last much longer than you expect it to. And just when you think it’s gone, you will find something that will trigger your feelings and bring you back to that place of indescribable loss. However terrible the anguish, pain, and sorrow you feel during these times, they will pass. They will become less frequent, and you are allowed to have fun in between!

*People may criticize or comment on the way you are going through this process. Screw them. Don’t waste your time or energy explaining this to them, they don’t have to understand to be your friend.  They just need to be your friend.  If they don’t get that, it’s okay for you to move on without them.

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*People will not know how to respond to your loss. You may want to tell them something like this, “There’s nothing anyone can do to make up for the loss we are experiencing. We don’t expect that you will say the right things, or do the right things, just being our friend, and being there for us is all we ask”

*People may ask how you are feeling. I found this particularly offensive. I wanted to say, “Seriously my child died, let me tell you about the particular level of my own private hell I’m experiencing today.” I found it better to say, “I’m as okay as I can be” or “I’m hanging in there”

*There is no wrong way to go through this. You have to do what is right for you. Try to lean on those whom you know you can count on. It’s okay to accept support from friends, family, and even weird NaPro Bloggers like myself. No one should go through this alone, it doesn’t make you heroic if you try to keep a stiff upper lip, but you will have those moments where you have to put your grief in a box to get through the day.

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*It’s okay to honor love and remember your baby daily. Every life, no matter how brief, leaves an indelible mark on this world, especially on the heart of a grieving mommy and daddy.

You are in my prayers.  If you have questions, or just need to talk you can reach me by commenting below or going to my facebook page.  You are not alone in this.  Love, Catherine

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