Miscarriage & Insensitivity

I am continuously surprised by the insensitivity of others. If there is nothing nice to say, the least someone can do is say nothing at all. Not in our family however. We kept the news about our pregnancy discrete deliberately because we didn’t want to have to deal with everyone knowing our sorrow and holding it up to our faces when we’d rather grieve in private.

couple grieving

This is something that is not uncommon. Many couples don’t disclose their pregnancy until they are in their second trimester because of the very same reason. Our culture doesn’t have a place or even a word for a parent who has lost a child, so grieving in private is how we cope.

About a month and a half after our miscarriage, I was on the phone with one of the few people who knew of our pregnancy and loss. We had made it clear how important it was not to disclose the news until we heard the heartbeat, and when we didn’t we thanked everyone for not sharing our news as we did not want this to be broadcast to the rest of the world. So, when she told me that she disclosed our miscarriage to a distant relative whom I haven’t seen in a decade, I was more than hurt.

woman crying on the phone

I couldn’t help but interrupt her at that point. How could she share our private business with the world as if it were her own?

I lost it. I raise my voice and expressed my displeasure at her choice to share my personal information without my permission. Her response was stunning, “it’s over now” Over? Over? I was still bleeding at the time of this conversation. I hadn’t had my D&C and I was pretty raw.

I couldn’t believe she thought it was over. For me it wasn’t over, it isn’t over. I’m still mourning the loss of my child, feeling raw inside and out. As shocking as it was to hear that she thought it was over, the next few minutes of our conversation took her coldness and cruelty to a new level.

oh no you didn't

Grieving mother: “How could you share my private business with her? I asked you not to share this with anyone!”

Insensitive individual : “So I can’t tell anyone then. Will I be allowed to tell people when you’ve had a child?”

Grieving mother: “Seriously? This is not about you! You do not get to make this about you! This is my personal health and well-being, this is not your business to share!  Never mind the fact that you have no respect for me and the process I’m going through”

The conversation ended shortly after that. It has been almost two months since then. I have not spoken to this person once since. And if you’ve been following my blog, this is the same person who was cold enough to mention nothing but babies the day Prince William & Princess Kate’s baby was born, and the same person who ditched me in the middle of a crisis.

Family or not, I’ve had enough. This person needs to find someone else to bother. I haven’t heard from her in more than two months and I don’t feel the need to involve her in my life. ON the one hand I should have made that decision long ago. On the other hand, having waited this long, I feel no guilt, no remorse. Instead life is better without her and her negativity.

One thought on “Miscarriage & Insensitivity

  1. From a fan on FB:
    I’ve been very open about my losses, but people try to “fix” the unfixable and then wonder how their well meant words could have possibly hurt. People just really don’t know how to react empathetically and you are right, it becomes about them – they are uncomfortable, they feel they *need* to say something, they feel they *need* to fix it, to “fix” you. *hugs* I’m sorry you had to deal with that ignorant and rude person in your life.

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