As I begin a new cycle, I’m tempted to go to that dark place where despair, inadequacy, frustration, and doubt lurk. Like many women living with infertility, I’ve been there a few times before; regardless of how many times I’ve been there, it’s not a place I’m going today.
There’s no magic reason, no drug or therapist that is responsible for this choice, it’s just me. As I look at my situation, I have much to be thankful for. Thanks to a NaproTechnology, we have the best chances we’ve ever had! For the first time that I’m aware of, my body reached the optimum zone for fertility: my estradiol level hit 399 before peak day, optimum ovulation requires it be between 300 and 400; my peak plus seven estradiol level was 116 and my progesterone was 28. I couldn’t ask for more in terms of chemistry.
And yet I’m not pregnant. Wish I knew why! There are some things we’re not meant to know and of course, everything comes in God’s time. I may very well be like my grandmother (and her mother before her) and give birth after 40. Who knows what God has planned for me?
It’s tempting to allow the thought that God does not have motherhood in his plan for me, but I’m not going there, not till I have to. I will enjoy every beautiful day that is filled with my husband, Frank, and our four beautiful fur babies. I will appreciate my students for all the joy and richness they bring to my life. I will appreciate the irony that I have more young women without mothers in my class than ever before, I will be the confidant they need because it gives me purpose on this journey.
I’m not out of hope yet. My doctor defines that as completing 12 cycles at optimum levels without conceiving. One down eleven to go. That’s eleven more tries, eleven more months for my body to get healthy enough to nourish another life. I feel that I owe it to my body, mind, and soul to give this all I’ve got.
This is not a sprint, it’s a marathon. I’m not going to quit or even entertain the thought that motherhood is not in my future. Why? Because I’m surrounded by an amazing supportive network of friends, coworkers, church family, even some biological relatives, and of course my amazing husband. They’ve been my cheerleaders, carried me when I couldn’t get through on my own, and offered innumerable prayers on my behalf. Their encouragement keeps me going.
It would be so easy for them to focus on their own tiny circles and just inquire now and then. Yet their support is steadfast. I am blessed to have them in my corner. During those times I have ended up giving in to despair and allowing myself to feel the letdown of a new cycle, they’ve pulled me out and reminded me what I’m working towards.
Knowing the effects of stress and negativity on the body, I’m not giving in to them. I refuse to do anything that could make me less healthy. I’ve given up grains, dyes, artificial foods, changed my lifestyle, and I can see the physical manifestations of these changes. The evidence that my treatment is working increases by the day. I won’t do anything to jeopardize that. I firmly believe that I am on my way towards motherhood and better health. Nothing, not doubt, stress, negativity, nor despair will jeopardize that.